Galaw Addict Tips : Kapag Lasing.

Sobrang tagal na ah.. eheheh.. i miss writing... kaskas na naman pagsusulat ko nito..

Ang kwentong ito ay halaw sa malufet na brod ni fareng andrew.
Helpful tips para sa mga lasing.

Sa lahat ng pagkakataong umuwi ng lasing o nakainum si Ernie.. Sangdamakmak na homily ang inaabot niya sa sa kanyang nanay.. Nung huli niyang pagkabasag.. May naisip na gawin si ernie..

Ernie : "Syet yari na naman ako kay nanay nito.. anu na naman kaya palusot ko.."

Pagpasok ni Ernie sa sala nila.. tumabi siya sa mga flower vase at nanahimik..
Agad napuna ng nanay niya si ernie.. At nilapitan ito..

Nanay : "At saan kana naman galing magaling kong anak??"

Nagpikit ng mata si Ernie at nagpirmi sa kanyang kinauupuhan.. habang binabanggit ang..

Ernie : "Flower Vase Ako.. Flower Vase Ako.. Flower Vase Ako.."

Ulit ulit na sinasabi ni ernie ang mga salitaang iyon.

Nanay : "Aba nasiraan na ata ng bait ang anak ko?"

Dahil dun napilitang umalis ang nanay ni ernie.,, eheh.. Hirap magkwento sa pagsusulat.. ako hindi natatawa eh.. pero ang punto dito ay may paraan para makalusot sa mga sermon sa buhay.. eheheh.. you just need to be creative..

Sa kaso ni Ernie, since maraming flower vase sa kanila.. naisip niyang maging flower vase..

Ikaw my fren, nasasayo yan. Depende sa lugar mo at sitwasyon.. kung madaming aso sa inyo.. pwede kang magpanggap na Aso. "Aso ako.. Aso ako".. Sabayan muna ng pag-bark.. para effective.. Kung madami pagkain sa inyo.. Magluto ka.. kunwari kanina kapa nasa bahay..

Gee, na mimiss ko magsulat.. ahahah.. apir! disapir! one-half! one-fourth!

Entries from Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
___________________________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Para Sa Ladies : Scenario Question Numero Uno.

Para sa mga babaeng may hubby,honey, bebe, etc..

SCENARIO :

Naglalakad kayo sa isang daan na hindi ninyo place / balwarte.. Tapos biglang may mga tambay na sumipol sa iyo. Obviously ikaw talaga ang pinagtitripan nila. Yung mga itsura ng tambay eh mukhang nagtitrip lang talga...at handang makipagsuntukan.. Anu tingin mo ang dapat gawin ng BF or knight in shinning armor mo?

a.) kausap ang mga tambay
b.) pag hindi umandar sa usapan, Royal rumble na at bahala na si batman
c.) dead ma. Go lang sa paglalakad..
d.) Malay ko..
e.) Gawa kayo ng sarili ninyong sagot at mag reason out.

Apir!

"Dekada-Nubenta" Holyweek.

Since childhood days, holyweek is a good time for us kids. It is a time wherein my friends and I race to the chapel, and inform the pabasa singers that there is a "Magdarame" coming. Other perks that include in that week are the following :

* Free shooting of anyone using your sago juice. This is done by using the straw as a weapon and the sagos as ammos.
You put some sagos on your mouth, then place one side of the straw on your lips. Use your hand for aiming. Then shoot everythings that moves. Most of our targets are people who have white tshirt. You got to learn to run fast when your target notices you, especially if you aim for old people.

* Free food every night at the chapel. Well, back then as a kid, everything that is free would be the best one.

* You can roam all day long at your barangay, without worrying that your mother is looking for you to sleep (1 PM to 4 PM). The noise, I mean the "music" that the pabasa singers provide are use as an excuse for us kids not to sleep. Big thanks to them.

* You can boast all day long with your friends arguing that what you have seen is much better than what they had seen.
it goes like these : () - in kapampangan
Ninoy : Grabe yung nakita kong magdarame, sampu sila! lahat papalaspas! Andugo nila!
(Dana dacal la detang ikit cung magdarame, apulu la, kebat papalaspas la ngan, karaya dah!)
Tisoy : Wala ka dun sa nakita ko! bente sila, tapos 19 na papalaspas tapos isang mangusang krus.
(Ala ka cetang ikit ku! Benti la, kebat 19 lang papalaspas ampo metung mangusang krus.)
Ninoy : Hindi nga?!
(Alipin?!)
Potuk : Ako ayos nako dun sa nakita ko, isa lang siya pero nagtatambling patalikod.
(Yaku ayus naku ketang ikit ku, metung yamu pero magtambling yang pagulut.)
Mundo : Hahaha.. Wala kayo dun sa nakita ko.. isa lang rin pero babaeng papalaspas
(Hahaha.. Ala kayu ketang ikit ku, Metung yamu rin pero babai yang papalaspas!)
All except Mundo : Huwaaaw....(Huwaaaw......)
Noiser/Pabasa : eehehehehe... ating magdarame... ( i don't know the exact lyrics that is sung when a magdarame comes.)
All : Magdarame! Magdarame! Magdarame! Magdarame!

* Do the station of the cross. - PLASTIC. I hate this part, it's like praying the whole week.
* NO MEAT DAY! NO! Eat fish. - not so happy. I don't know, Back then I just don't like eating fish. Honestly, even today I'm quite choosy in food.

Ang Korn-y Mo Ninoy..

(in a cabinet meeting ...)
GMA: oshige ... kung shino man ang tamaan ng bola na 'to ay siyang magre-reshign
(initsa ang bola, tumalbog pabalik sa kanya ...)
GMA: o ... praktish lang un noh? ulet!


Director: "Sir, we have to do something with our population program. A woman gives birth every 30 seconds here in the Philippines.
Erap: "Ha?, you're right...FIND THAT WOMAN!!!"


Pare1: pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms. Universe
Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare2: pare, ako nanalo!!!


Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako
Father: ano kasalanan mo?
Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao
Father: bakit?
Killer: kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po naniniwala ba?
Father: dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang!


Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot
Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob
Patient: (ininom ang gamot)
Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba?
Patient: oo doc! puta pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag ang bungo!


Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...
WAAAAAHHHHHH! !! screamed the driver...
Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?
Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25 years po kasi ako driver ng funeraria.


1 pangit na babae, hinoholdap.. .
Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na gamit mo!
Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: anong rape? holdap nga to eh!
Babae: wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...


1 lasing nasalubong ang matabang babae na may kasamang aso...
Lasing: hoy, saan mo nakuha yang baboy?
Babae: aso ito hindi baboy!
Lasing: huwag ka nga sumabat! yung aso ang kausap ko!


In a pet shop...
Customer talking to a parrot...
Customer: hoy! can you talk ha?! bobo!!!
Parrot: yes i can!!! ikaw?! can you fly ha? GAGO!!!


Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng langit.
Mga bakla: okey lang po father..dun na lang kami sa rainbow mag slide-slide! !!

Nagustohan mo ba????

Best Out Of Office Autoreplies [B4 HOLYWEEK DAPAT NAPOST TO]

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

*********************
I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

*********************
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

*********************
Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

*********************
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

*********************
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

*********************
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

(The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

*********************
Thank you for your message, which has been added to an email queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks and 3 days.

*********************
Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

*********************
I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

*********************
Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

*********************
Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Please don't bother to leave me any messages.

*********************
I've run away to join a different circus.

*********************
AND, FINALLY...

I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'. :eek:

Who Want's To Kill Ninoy?

I'm tired of life, I'm tired of being depress, I'm tired of being me. So I am writing this as a waiver for my death.Anyone willing to kill me would have a reward. The reward at stake are the following:
Nikon D60.
MP5 Navy Airsoft Gun + complete BDU and safety gear.
Rayban Shades. (Ewan ko lang kung bibigay ni andrew sa inyo ito)
The pride of killing someone for free and having an instant award.

pasensya yan lang po asset ko..

The death condition. A quick painless death. As in painless, i prefer sleep-type-death.
Please I don't want a bloated face, a squashed brain. I still wanted to be presentable even
in my death bed. Andrew Manaloto, Dreg Guinto and Jeremias Lacuarta are not qualified for this contest. Sama narin natin si Aren Tuazon.

To My Family : Sa burol reggae dapat ang sounds,
Magphotoshot ang mga kaibigan kong may camera sa burol,
Sa burol at libing bawal pumunta ang mga babaeng naging parte ng buhay ko,ako nalang bibisita sa inyo,
Habang nililibing ako.. Tugtog sana ni jonah ang "Redemption Song".


Gumagalang,


Ninoy